apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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