I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
