If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
