she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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