Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
