I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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