listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
