I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
