If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
