Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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