So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
