last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
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