she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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