its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
