So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
