While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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