Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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