So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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