If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
