genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
