I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I wish I only lived at night.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
