We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
