i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
