So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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