omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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