the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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