If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
