Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
