I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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