I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
