i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
