epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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