Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
