Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
