Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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