so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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