you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
