i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
