So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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