I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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