it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I am midnight drunk by noon
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
