I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
