Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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