I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
So many bounce houses so little time
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
