Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
