I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
