good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
