she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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