I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
