Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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