Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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