I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
