The best revenge is premature balding
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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